Pleased to meet you
Babies are by design totally self-centred. At no point do they think about not crying three times a night and dragging their parents from their beds in order to service their needs. This is acceptable behaviour because it’s a survival instinct. After all we want the next generation to thrive so they can look after us later on.
Bathe me, feed me, hug me, wrap me up warm and tiptoe about because I like it quiet. Thanks….
Toddlers are equally self-absorbed; their first word often being ‘mine’. Sharing is not a concept that comes naturally to children and has to be taught by even the most indulgent parents who (again by design) think that their child is the most important being in the room. It would appear that most toddlers are geniuses, reading The Times, rejecting sweets in favour of quails’ eggs and doing long multiplication by the age of two if the parents are to be believed. . . .
Leaving that aside, it is at this point that important social skills are learnt. Be generous, share, think about others, don’t grab all the best toys for yourself and if the parents are lazy in this regard it is something that will follow the child into adult hood and make for some unattractive behaviour.
After learning how to shout ‘mine’ threateningly, while beating the encroaching child with a wooden brick, the next swathe of vocabulary is almost certainly going to be ‘look at me’ or variation on a theme ‘watch me’. Nothing seems to be worth doing unless a doting parent is watching, filming, applauding or admiring the action.
It is therefore no wonder that some children grow up needy or lacking in confidence, having not been sufficiently feted, if this is the kind of behaviour they see all around them.
At the swings in the park the parents are divided into two camps. The first is trailing the child, helping, cooing and supporting while constantly praising. ‘Oh well done, Johnny, you jumped so high’, etc. The second is sitting on the benches texting or reading (and of course in the good old days smoking before it started to draw stares of disbelief from the other goody two shoes parents) and occasionally glancing up to see if the child is alright and not being tied to the slide by older bullies.
There is a fine line between encouragement and adulation. The side of the line chosen will define the child later in life. Some people carry the burning desire to be watched and admired into adulthood and are reluctant to do anything unless it gets attention. For many years to come it really will be ‘all about me’.
Part of being a grown up is being interested in other people. And I do mean really interested. Not in a fake way where you nod and smile beatifically while on the inside thinking about yourself. Actors have to learn to ‘listen’ so the appropriate emotions and reactions pass over their face. Try listening properly. Even if you find the speaker boring stick with it, there may yet be a good part to the story, after all it’s a common courtesy you would like extended to yourself later on. You can find inspiration or express empathy if you take the time to hear about another’s life, goals and dreams.
Always bear in mind people like to talk about themselves before learning about anybody else so take back the game by being an enquiring mind. Eventually a new acquaintance will run out of steam (or not in some cases) and allow you to talk about yourself for a few seconds if you still have the strength.
Yes, it is much easier to stick to the old tried and tested group of friends and not make any effort but you are selling yourself short by being insular. Familiarity breeds contempt it is said and trust me it is only a matter of time before you start finding fault with your familiars.
At this point I normally segue neatly into the need for investing time in better exfoliation, better use of shampoo and so on, all valid and important aspects in putting your best foot forward of course, but this month its all about investing in creating friendships and making connections with others.
Just like a good pension plan is all about being prepared for the future, good friendships will bring us joy later in life as well as today. Friends who make us laugh or make us think are in their own way a beauty tool!! Both actions keep us young.
Having new interests keeps the brain ticking over and regenerating itself. The body may be less willing but for as long as you have it, the mind is a wonderful tool.
In a new social setting, where one brave person is bringing together a diverse group of friends from all walks of life, make an effort to talk to as many people as you can. Enter smiling, ready to embrace a new experience. If you go with a close friend separate and circulate and you will have plenty to talk about on the way home!!
What you bring to someone else’s life is part of any relationship. You may share a sense of humour, a passion for sailing or simply like the same books. Shared experiences can also be the catalyst for a new friendship. The experience does not have to be life threatening such as a sinking ship but can be something as tame as using the same gym or making the same journey every day.
Being in a relationship of any kind means a certain degree of give and take. Given that it is hard to establish those kind of rules with a new encounter but the willingness to be in a relationship of any kind is counter balanced by having the grace to accept one.
The opportunity for meeting new people lessens as we age. Forced points of contact such as school, university, first job, first partner and then back to the school gates again as a parent are ways to form friendships without having to make a real effort. But reluctance to try new things or even leave the house after a certain time sets in for some as they get older. It’s not an uncommon thing to feel a certain ennui and the idea of making that effort means you don’t bother.
You are not going to be enamoured of everyone you meet, their points of view may annoy you, you may find you have nothing in common, be horrified by their personal hygiene or some other factor but you won’t know unless you give them a chance. With any new encounter you will have learnt something, got those synapses sparking and gathered a new talking point for your old gang of friends.
We all judge a book by its cover so don’t pretend you don’t! The most unlikely friendships can be formed if you just put aside old habits. Who knows who you will meet today?
Happy Trails, Readers, Happy Trails
First published By The Dart May 2014
